Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
