I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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