There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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