I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
