The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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