My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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