she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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