my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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