yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh god it's open bar.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize