apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
