I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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