I got chris browned last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
