I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
