her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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