i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
