Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My vagina just clenched in fear
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
