My friends, they love my intelligence
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
