If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
