I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
