My room smells like vodka and shame
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
