Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize