She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
