Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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