I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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