Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
