there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
