I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
