Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
