y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize