dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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