too bad you live with your parents still
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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