Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
