Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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