Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
