She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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