Don't make out with my wife yet
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
