I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
