I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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