So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
