I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
