this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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