And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
