One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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