why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
