I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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