# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
