I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
