fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
