My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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