Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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