shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize