The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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