I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
