I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
