if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
