I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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