just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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